Does the world is too small for the both of us???

The individual I avoided too much is the person I’ll be dealing with! I face people; I never leave a hanging situation with everyone.  I always told my self that confrontation is better than keeping silence, but this time is different I don’t want to see him for I maybe hurt million times again. 

 All people judge me as what they see me, but they never understand how I felt about the turning back with out the closure.

Now; I never thought that the day I’ve hated, the day that the truth will be mapped out to my face is the day that I consider the most depressing day.

As I pass by that familiar street, I prayed harder that he’ll not see me and I wont see him; does God really hated me? I saw him as he saw me.  I started to feel the pain once again I find place to hide or even do the fastest walk; but too much of my dismay a common friend call up and I was left with no choice but stay and wait for them to go nearer.

 If I could call my Best at that time I’ll scream to hell but who could understand the feeling? I can’t even explain why my heart sounds like a rushing cars, my brain is in panicked. 

As our friend talks, I never dreamed to interrupt! But the silence of both of us makes the creepy feeling go farther. Seconds later he breaks the unbeatable silence. (manglibre si****di ka mo kuyog) as he says that he look @**** in eyes.  I don’t want to be coward, but the funniest thing hope keeps my head nod.

I walk with them; my friend keeps on talking to pound the uneasiness. Near by we saw a food shop, we take our sits and my friend offer to order so the silence keeps on going.

He stares @ me.  He asks me (kumusta?) the most exploited answer was I’m fine (okay rah) Jel, sorry…….the word I never thought he’ll be uttering at that moment, for god sake! Its decades when he calls me Jel, when He talks to me, I just  look @ his eyes but the pain that was been haunting doesn’t hurt that much….I told him, okay rah to oi, lets forget about it but I know deep with in I don’t want to forget.

 

After that 2 minutes of talks, we started eating, friend ask if where am I going, I told them that I’ll be heading home unexpectedly he said to friend that  he’ll be going home too and he looks at me and said lets go with a smile.

Crazy thing is the smallest hope goes bigger not only in second but microsecond.

 

The world goes round, my world is shaking! He asks for us to talk, I nod to confirm to keep the story shorter; he explain the reason, he gives me the painful truth.

His having a wonderful relationship, his living with her and he confirms that he looks at me as a sister. (toinks)

All those crazy times, all those crazy deeds we only lack one thing right communication.   

But I still wish we never bumped with each other, that I never new the truth, in that I have the reason to say I am in love….I’ll had the finest person to blame why I cant move on. I don’t know what’s next but somehow relieve……..

maybe that’s what they call the world would be smaller if the perfect time is nearer. 

Dying To Have

Ever since I’m dying to have all the sweets in the world and I love to have everything; from cakes, ice cream and chocolates ever! 

But then my health deprive me to have it all? how could be the world so wonderful if i don’t have all the sweets i love most? life without sweet is such 

an unfair world! [diabetes is such a sad health ailment] then i thought: It’s like loving something you can’t have and it’s not good for you.

such a broken heart; why everything had its limitation?

a poem for you....

Farther

 

On the far side of failure,

Beyond the path of rejection

Far past the ghost

Of Doubt and dejection.

 

Just a bit farther,

Than life’s toughest question

Over the stream running

After each lost discerning

 

Farther along than the extra smile

Floating farther than the lovely isle

Over chasm deep where things seems worst,

Through hardened deserts overcome by thirst.

 

The road traveled less lies the hidden valley

Of massive success.

"CIrcUmstances"

Circumstances

 

            When I was a child I love life because of its simplicity, I was driven into a realization that life is a matter of living it the way I want it to be, but as the time goes by, I never expected that it would be more than a simple in the sense that a caterpillar not just bloom into a beautiful butterfly, more than simple because everything change in the way there are; everybody grows old, thinking of how to handle life’s complexities.  Unpredictable the only thing I notice through experiences I had.

           

            In life there are also decisions made that changes my life to a different circumstances bad or good; in every life’s situation there are the scene that I get hurt, but sometimes it is the reason why my personality boost, it is personal decisions that matters. Choosing something when I was older enough is difficult; it’s not like choosing flavors of ice cream or choosing of pair of shoes and toys when I was in my childhood time.  Making decision and choosing change when I grow older, I got a hard time to make decision because there are still this circumstances that I had to consider, I take each step as an interaction between my mind and heart.

 

            Whatever life give us, complication, dream, fantasy one thing I must considered and remembered that the child once I am are still in my heart. 

 

So there no way to feel unhappy because I once live the simple and uncomplicated life………..

"HiGh ScHoOl BaRkAdA"

we shared moments...since high school.....

then till the day one of us take a vow and live a life a family life...were still solid we know that.......

Once I had only happy days ahead of me

Not a single gloom can penetrate 

my spirit

Because I had the group of friends who stood by me

Always making me feel I am somebody.

So I wandered along for years

In a school full of strangers who care nothing

About me

Hoping against hope to dear God almighty

To give me strength to strive for something.

 

And the day on I got to know an angels

Who’s been my companion since then until now,

God introduce me to a group

A group of very smart people that I hardly knew

I was so scared, as scared as I can be like a

Hungry mouse caught in a trap.

But all of you welcome me with open arms

 

Together with the batch and from the day on I hardly cried

For deep inside I feel like I can fly.

 

Sheena, Jessah, Blesyl, Jean

All four of them are exotic beauty

They greet my grouchy mornings

With their serene smiles and melodious hellos.

Physics which is my most hated subject became so much fun with contagious best Jessah

Who never seems to stop laughing when everyone is always game.

 

Then there’s Jean, the clown of the group who never fail to make us laugh

Accompanied by eg2x who’s an action makes us laugh more and more.

 

When it comes to a partner, it’s a tandem of me and Blesyl

If you want to know what’s the love story today don’t forget to call 

us everyday.

 

Model for snapshots is not a problem anymore

If you have Sheena in the store because she always have the angelic beauty available for camera when it starts to roll.

 

 

I finally realize GOD has given me the most

Wonderful of friends

Who make me feel at peace and cherished at last

Upon this poem inspired by them all truly. 

My most wonderful summer

With the Calinawan Family

with LuvZ Rica
with the boys
new found friend LL and ejun
with the little bro raymound
with ate and little franz

I never been so happy as it is, i experience the things i never did before, even my sun burn is hurtng i still love the beach anyway and the fun with the new friends!

"UnDer Conctrution"

I am under construction; I need a little fixing and renovations....

 

Somehow I learned my lesson; I think this would be better for me.i dont have regrets do in doing such decisions.

 What a great world it is and be wasted as it is. Somehow I am experiencing the nicest history of my life; suffering from rejections and maybe the fixing will be quite hurting but it’s for the better. 

 

I deserve the hurtful words, maybe I’ll be fine next week, next month I’ll be fine, I will find the place I should belong perhaps I still don't no where. being so stupid and cold hearted was not great at this moment but this is life after all overwhelming pain is too bad for the heart condition that I had, still I stick to the two words "I’m sorry" and even it still injure the heart of the other party prayers still have reason to heal the impossible things to be heal....thanks a lot

 

Love jeh.

 

P.S. I’ll be glad to write something again but for now let the injury of everybody heal not by our time but in god’s time. Preferably I am not saying goodbye to this blog after all this is the avenue of what my heart desire most but next time I’ll be back and I’ll be able to forgive others and especially myself. Thanks for the understanding and I’ll be treasuring that all through out.

 

Meantime this Blog will have its own time to injure the pain of life.

 

But for sure I’ll be back. In time......

"THE TUNE OF MY LIFE"

Every song no matter how beautiful it is will have to end on its last note; like everyday has its night all that has started will have to end in its own time.

              Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow; we must fail in order to know. Sometimes we vision only clears after our eyes are washed away with tears.

I am the one who bids goodbye, I am the one who loose the grip and stop holding on.  I felt the relief of saying goodbye but then I still have the heavy heart for hurting someone who makes difference in my life.  I maybe right, when I found out the answer to my question why? I maybe addicted to the pain of wanting somebody I cant have that’s why I can’t move forward where I should belong.

I am just so thankful for he let free my wings and finds my place where I belong.

Yeah, nothing really is permanent in this word and not even the love we cherished would be with us forever, there’s no guarantee about love and getting risk is still the final answer but then we have to take chances to find our self first and learn what really love means.

 

But then somehow along the way, the saying “no pain no gain” is still applicable in my life right now

"VICTIM WITH MY OWN CHOICE"

I was awaken by the loud ring of the phone; (sigh) I hate waking up early but then the caller must be too persistent, it keeps on ringing. I sigh again and pick the phone. He calls in the middle of the dawn to tell me story that I never thought it would be more painful than it is. For about 30 minutes I was shock and all I did was listening; and that was the first time in my whole life that I did.

                                          

Hello, are you still there? He asks with a little crack on his voice I nodded and then realizing that I was asked someone by the phone then I said silently “yes”.

 

I just wanted to be honest with you Jeh, he said it again. Well when I know that you already have a Boyfriend, I sadly said to Him (no need to name names) that I was damn stupid for letting it happen being near too you is an advantage yet pass it by was the craziest thing I did, but I guess it shows that were not for each other and you let me learn a lesson that made me realize things.

As much as I wanted to let him stop, I have the will to listen that even it hurts I wanted to know what’s with him that makes my day as heavy as clouds outside the window, he continues as I am frantically breathing.

You make me realize that being to insecure can make and break me and I have lost the most important person in life.

 In that words the tears started to fall, I guess this is it! Oh how I hope he never learned such lesson, oh I hope he never had that courage to tell me; but then it’s all happening.

 

Then I ask, what did you mean? Why are you telling me all these stuff? With hesitant he answers. Well, after learning that we can’t be together I tried hard to change direction and accept it, He told me you already know what I felt, I realize last night that I have to move forward for I had already someone.

 

 I pause for awhile and think his what? He had someone? Gotcha! His making it hard for me, I silently cry and told him.

 Ah ok, that’s good, I know that you’re only thinking about the friendship and his also thinking about it too.  “Jeh” he calls my name again, and it sounds like an angel when he utters those three letters of my name.

 

I don’t know how it ended, I can’t tell how it hurts, and it is just like yesterday that I know he felt something then now his telling that he learned so he grabs every opportunity that he had. 

The gap will always be there the friendship will never stay the same.

 

As I sit by here what I learned that I never waited, if I just waited for a long time if I just don’t give up, there must be possibility.

 

What makes people more sentimental and sad is the thought that memories are the only thing that never changes when everything else does. And what are hard to erase is the memories that keeps on haunting and the unanswered “what if” in life.

 

I am the Victim of my own choices, and I what is hard is when I walk away I thought he would run after me. But then he decides to stop and I was left affected. 

If only I just wait, it must be a dream come true. Well, I am thinking their right; the best way to loose a friend is to tell him that you love him.

 

This is a typical story that sometimes we overlooked, we keep on finding for something too magical then there we realize that sometimes its making an illusion that in the middle of the madness we get to see that the one who we really dream is the one whose been there with us for such a long time; and then we taken them for granted that’s the irony of life and love itself.

 

 We were blinded of those frogs we kissed that we believe our price charming and we wait for the wrong prince for we extremely believe that they just go around finding the foot that fits the glass slipper, seeing the irony isn’t it? 

                                    

"My Living Legacy" (MLL)

I always do blogs, writing in my journal; telling true things about something that amazes me, feelings and experience of the day

 

As I always say writing is a therapeutic thing for me that release the irregularity of what I felt.  

 

I believe that my legacy and mission in life is to be heard by my writings, and be a writer in my own way!

 

Frustrated it may be but in God’s time it will be realize………..

 

I live to write and be heard, and make the untold stories to be known. 

The empty waiting shed

Alone in the empty waiting shed, a bit nostalgic, where did I go wrong, I’ve done my best but why it isn’t enough, is something really holding my back and trying 2 push me in something that is worth for me at all…

 they are already finish the line…. All throughout but I am stranded in this empty waiting shed all alone.

Life is like a waiting shed…All u need s waiting and patience, but then after meeting all those people you just realize you have 2 get going, u have to stand up and find a perfect place for you to stay.

 

Life indeed is full of better things to do than remembering. 

the day of mine

Its kind a great day,

  Hopefully tomorrow, get the good feedback for another day ahead of job haunting.

 

Thank you for my Bok who’s all the way there at my side…..

"Words Of Lightning"

Sometimes words strikes like lightning; and you’ll never know how it affects you. (It hurts, cause of pain, downfall of confident, downfall of pride)

 

No one knows how hurt I am; for I can’t find someone who will listen and understand what emotion is running through my veins everyday. 

Before I thought no one can affects me but now WORDS do. Strange that the people you thought who could be there right at your side would be the one who will knocks of your head and lay down your confident in the lower pace of your life.  Indeed you can’t blame them but still I won’t blame my self though.

 

I thought nothing wrong, but then there is…. Probably no one can understand for I can’t also figure it out! It’s so depressing.

 

Once in my life I always get dumped for the better one, I always get the 2^nd choice for the best one, I thought of “what’s wrong with number 2 and second best but then there are these people whom you thought would be the best person who would calm and agrees with you makes you feel more sorry for yourself.

 

For the first time of my life I was hurt again and again when I’ve got to hear it in my mind the WORDS that hit me once. It’s a torture that keeps on coming back, now I realize one thing, Words hurts million times than you’ll be hit by a car. Sometimes I thought of getting myself a wound than letting words penetrates my being. 

 

Words can make or break you, words hurts more than anything else, sometimes its good to hear nothing than to hear those words that crushes your emotion; in this world full of uncertainties why does people love to see you down than say a word that will make your light in a simple way.

 

JUST BE A SIMPLE CANDLE of words than A LIGHTNING of HURTFUL words.

what i felt...

theres something wrong.........I'm in the crowded world but then i felt so alone....

I have the feeling of guilt, I was never been true...

I wish i never tell a lie...

Facing such reality

Facing Reality

 

One step at a time is my motto. But then I have to make it fast, the world is a fast pacing one and I can’t afford to just take one step at a time when all of them conquer already what they want.

    

     Wanting something is more than having your freedom to face the world with what it takes; when I look back and image the past things about my life I’ve seen reality that it’s not that bad. I enjoyed the privilege in taking the course that I wanted to had and I had experience the most colorful and full of surprises as a college student.

 

     When I meet the most wonderful people along the passage I discover that life indeed is has its uncertainty, I love the life that have step on and I’ll never be thankful as I am thankful on this day.  

 

Dominique gives me the undisputed friendship that I always recall and Marisol never gives me the idea that being a NBSB is an out thing in our friendship, but then I fall in love and falling with that man is the greatest thing I ever know but it lasted and right in this moment I know we will remain civil with each other.

Then After a change of Dominique’s career the friendship come to its silent mode, Marisol continue its college life, I proceed working unfortunately my first job doesn’t justify my college knowledge but then I meet the kind of people that need that job most. Then, the second one was a half way PAG-IBIG FUND was the great experience indeed; in marketing I manage the half woman and half girl living, I earned and live a happy life with my co-workers and I’ll never forget who made that experience memorable and beautiful one.

 

Who could ever forget the crying moments in the tambuli Resort because saying goodbye is the hardest thing to say. I quote Kuya Christian “saying goodbye is tough but we need to move on and grow for the good of you and for the others. And when I come back to school I saw different faces; the face that sooner I learned to love most.

There and then I learned that their more than enough to me. Friendship really does good thing that molded my being and social life ahead.

 

Thanks to all, 

"wrote this for someone away"

♥Left empty ♥

The sun sets, the wind blows,

The sky goes to a sudden solitude,

This is another chance to see someone

Who let my heart suit what it pleaded.

The dream I’ve been looking forward,

The man I’ve been dreaming of,

Surely outlived the pain in me but

He's always been the sky I wanted to achieve.

Waking up is not the hardest thing to do;

It’s waking up without him in reality that’s aching,

That sometimes dreaming is just illusion,

and I’ve been dreaming of the tough guy to love,

the hardest person to figure out that sore in my heart.

The sun rises, the warm rays touches my skin,

the clock ticks like time was rapidly running,

then I saw him with the perfect woman in town,

I stare at his hand holding hers, seeing mine empty,

empty heart, empty soul, empty hands, I was left empty.

Maybe I was left empty for dreaming and waiting,

Left empty for not waking up too soon to see him,

Left empty for always believing in destiny in love

I may not be cynical and be sorry about it, but if I am just truer,

the man I called heaven had someone he called angel.

I guess saying goodbye is not hard if I could accept that it’s not me, but her.